i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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