not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
vagina is talking i cant
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
