While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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