I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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