her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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