I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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