I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
