worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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