Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
