This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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