He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
