Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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