My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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