everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
