Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
