worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
