I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
