why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
