One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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