I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
