I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just invented taco cereal.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
