I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
