i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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