Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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