I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
