i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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