the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
