just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
