ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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