I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
