just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
