I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
