the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
