I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
