Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
