I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
