I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
