I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
