Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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