Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
