I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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