she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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