Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
