I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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