i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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