I accidentally burped into my bong.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
