I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
