one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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