the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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