Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
